My life is like..... Nothing like I describe it to be. It feels like I'm hanging myself at the end of a tall building. I'm so sad. The feeling of sadness. I couldn't handle it. I feel like a soulless, mindless girl. Things I do. It's not right. I don't want to be the girl you hate, that sucked. I want to be your perfect girl, your one and only perfect girl. But... I don't think I am. I hurt you and blamed you, do things you don't like me to do. I'm worse. I'm like the girl in your nightmare instead of your best dreams. And it gets worse if we quarreled. And sometimes I wondered to myself, am I worth your time? Your love? Am I worth everything? 

I've had my worse day, today. It hurts me more than anything. Part of it is my fault for blaming him. And the worse thing is... He left me standing there. Alone. It hurts me. A lot. I stood there, watching him go. At that point, I wondered if he will ever come back. I was at my losing point. People, they do always walk out of your life when they had enough of you. But I wasn't. I wish to run towards him to hug him and said that I'm sorry. 

Maybe I deserve it. Maybe you should treat me like this to make me realize that what I'm doing is wrong. Technically, I'm always the kind of girl who doesn't believe in reporting to someone whose not my husband. But I was wrong. He make me realize how important to tell someone what doing, not making him wait all the time. I've done things that not gonna be the same anymore. It's my fault. My very fault. I didn't change. I'm all screw up. I'm gonna regret if things will never be same. I'm sorry. 

Heart brokenI'm sorry hubby, is the only three words I could say. Now that you don't care anymore. I'm afraid. Please bare with me. Please. I'm sorry. You see I've tried. Nothing work out. It's always wrong. It's okey. This things happen to me a lot of time. No one will ever get my feelings. Yes, everyone leave. Including you. I will never get my hope, my happiness up high again. I don't know why. It's because if my fault. I hope you're reading this. I just want to tell you, I love you. Please don't fade away. I need more help than you think. I make a lot mistakes, I hurt people. I can't stop. I tried. I want to. I love you. I need you like I never been with anyone else. You showed me love, you showed me everything. But now. Not anymore. I screw up. Like other girls. I wonder what I can do without you. I will never found love again. Not like you. Never. Maybe I don't get high hopes for you. For now. But I will try not to hurt you. As the relationship will go away. I'm sorry. I think there's no point for me to change. Right? I can guess you don't love me anymore. I'm heart broken. For the 6th time. And you're turning so cold. I'm guessing you won't be like before. Argh! Why am I so stupid!!! Why don't I think first before I speak! Why!?!? Hubby, don't go. I still need you. Please. I'm begging you. Please. I'm so scared. Please. 

OBSTACLES.GOD. He's everything. We seek help when we in need. He gives us hope,life, obstacles. To show us that every single little thing, it's not as easy as it looks. Many people thinks that it's unfair to them. But for me, this is how life goes. There's no life if there is no problems, challenges, dramas, you name it. But at the end, you'll understand, achieve or anything. You will learn that hope will never be lost and faith comes in.

Today, I have to overcome many challenges. I was lost and nowhere to be found. I lost all my hope, my smiles, my everything. I lost it. There's no way I can make things right.

I was told that my house. Has to mortgage, my dad says that we couldn't pay it finished. That means my family is currently broke and nowhere to stay. Unless we found another home nearby.  But that house, that memory, that warmth. I will never feel it again. I'm sorry, I couldn't talk any longer. I'm too sad. I'm sorry.

work.friends.lifework. they are shitty, evil hogs and poisonous things ever. have you ever encounter this kind of shitty works before.? i know i have.

you know, i have a very terrible Monday, and i must say it wasn't the best so far. firstly, i was asked to stop eating in the bus, secondly, i have to sit at the office doing nothing but staring at my laptop for the whole FUCKING day. i mean i don't know what i'll be doing later. 

and to my displeasure, i have no one to share this with. i can't imagine myself crying alone, comforting myself and telling myself to be confident and positive. i don't have friends that stayed till the end. everyone seems to have the best time of their live. the worse thing is, i used to help them, listening to their stories, trying to be the best. but then i get nothing in return. everyone kept asking me, why don't i have a best-friend.
the only answer i gave was, i don't need it. i don't have it. and i don't want it. friends, they come and go. they don't stay. it's better if you have your family with you that stays. forever. i never like outsiders. really. 
i feel they are like impostors with masks. i mean no offenses to those reading it. it's just that i'm insecure of myself and i don't need anyone to comment about it.

"lonenism", i wish they have it in a dictionary. so i could share people what it is all about. what lonenism people do. it is sad, but sometimes you have no choice. GOD gave you the best. but it has to go. it doesn't stays. although i wished it does.
anyways, I've been reading this amazing books from E L James. it is call the 50 shades. its a trilogy book. first book titled, 50 shades of Grey, 50 shades Darker and the third book called 50 shades freed. its a romance, but more sensual, sexy,rated kinda books. i'm quite to tell you the story, but not to worry, i will try and manage to post it someday. not today.

well i guess that's it for today's post. bye!

Why can't people understand how I feel? I have so many fears in my life that I just couldn't handle it. Being firm with my sister???? HOW THE BLOODY HELL CAN I BE FIRM WITH HER WHEN SHE'S SUPER DUPER WICKED!?!?!? Scold back when I'm right?? How??? I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore.!!! How how how????? If I say something I'll get scolding or get pissed at. Then?? What do you expect me to do.?? Spit??? Talk like an animal?? What?!?!? What the fuck you want???

Things are going to get hectic for me. I'm trying to change, and no one believes me. Including him. I'm trying so hard to change myself, I have to remind myself about what he says to me. Few days ago he almost broke up with me. It's because I lied to him 3rd times. I know I'm wrong. And it's my fault. But let me ask you this, which one of us humans are perfect! Like GOD??? None of us are perfect, HUMANS ARE LIVED TO MAKE MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Like you said. Humans, we are not perfect. We make mistakes. And some of us makes thousand million mistakes just learn to change and be better. One mistakes doesn't mean we have to change on the spot. No. We learn by making mistakes, to change. If we don't learn to make mistakes, how are we suppose to learn to be better.? Sigh~
I have elaborate enough. If anyone of you thinks I'm wrong. Then I don't know what can I say to make things better.
Yes, scorpios mindset are wayyyy different from other horoscope. We are mysterious and vengeful people. But don't just don't judge us to be mean we too have feelings. The reason we are doing this is because, none of you guys take action about our feelings. What do you guys know??? Nothing!
Nothing at all! I have outspoken the truth and I won't tell anyone about this. Even if they did, I'm sorry. Shall go now. Hmmmm